


The Witch and Wizard

by LittleSpider



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Accents, Birmingham accent, Demisexuality, F/M, James is a little shit, Joker James, Merlin is a Little Shit, Not Canon Compliant, OC, Original Female Character - Freeform, Straight Merlin, bad language, scottish accent, sexual identity crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 14:11:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11292297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSpider/pseuds/LittleSpider
Summary: Merlin has been landed with an assistant. Chloe, Code named Morgana and the first to take the title. Her job? Social Network Espionage, monitoring trends and providing disinformation on Social Media to cover up various Kingsman operations.She's skilled, capable, and dedicated.Only problem is Merlin can't stand her.----------Prelude to 'Family Man'. If you don't want this story to be spoiled, don't read that.





	The Witch and Wizard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [harryunwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryunwin/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Family Man](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11276562) by [LittleSpider](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSpider/pseuds/LittleSpider). 



> Please don't give me hate for writing a Straight Merlin. It's an artistic interpretation. Another way of looking at things and I would really appreciate it people held fire on that score. 
> 
> Thanks :)

Merlin sighed heavily as he paused at his work station. His fingers paused over his keys as he felt the sound of it go through him.

Once again.

The bloody creaking.

“...Morgana.”

_Creak. Creak. Creak._

“Morgana.” This time more deliberate, less polite.

_Creak. Creak. Creak._

“M'RGANA!”

 _Crea_ -.

The sound of rolling wheels on tiled floor.

She pushed herself out of her small office and looked at him with an insolent gaze.

“Mer-lin?” she asked, with equal deliberateness, jerking her head pointedly.

Merlin looked to her, fully turned around in his chair. He took a deep breath, and remembered that this was just a minor annoyance, that made him irrationally angry and she probably didn't know how much he disliked it.

Except she fully did.

He'd explained to her more than once that her creaking her chair was a disruption. A distraction to his work and now that she was aware of it she should have made more effort to stop it.

“Your chair.” he said simply. “It's creaking.”

Chloe glanced down at her chair, gave it an experimental creak by pushing back into it and made a soft ' _hmpf_ ' of interest.

“Yeah.” she agreed before scooting back into her office.

Merlin rolled his eyes, clearly unhappy with the way she'd dismissed it and got back to work. But at least she was aware of it now.

Taking another deep breath, he went back to his work and soon the hum of the consoles was joined by the clicking of his keys on his keyboard.

 _CREAK_.

Merlin stopped and sat upright, his pupils expanding in anger.

Cool down.

Cool right down.

Minor annoyance, _Ali_. Minor Annoyance.

Like Chinese water torture.

Just then, the shuttle provided blessed relief as it pulled up at the station outside of his desk area.

James. Lancelot. Come in to deliver his report in person and receive a post-mission check up.

Merlin turned around, locking his console as he did it and watched as the shuttle door opened and James unfurled himself and stepped onto the platform, buttoning his second to last waistcoat button.

“Merlin.” he greeted.

“Lancelot.” Merlin replied and stood, moving with his clipboard to him. “Nice t'have you back with us.”

“Nice to be back, Merlin.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Oh, fine, fine...well, no, actually.” he murmured, looking around Merlin's office. “I've this awful pain in my chest.”

Merlin looked over to him.

“Pain? Were you injured there?”

Lancelot signed somewhat theatrically and walked over to Merlin's chair and brushing it so it spun, he turned back to Merlin, sitting on the desk.

“No. You see, I'm heartbroken.”

“...Heartbroken.” Merlin repeated flatly, an eyebrow raising above his glasses.

“Yes. Your beautiful assistant won't run away with me you see.”

Chloe's chair rolled rapidly across the floor as she heard James and smiled at him, her round cheeks pushing her oversized, thick glasses up.

“James. You know I can't run away with you.” she teased back, standing up and not looking a great deal taller. “I'm too busy here.”

Lancelot threw himself to his knees, taking the hem of her long skirt in his hands and played the part of the mournful, unrequited lover well.

“Morgana, _please_ , I dream of you every night. I adore you. Please, run away with me.”

Chloe laughed hoarsely and shook her head as Merlin rolled his eyes and sighed.

“James, some of us have work to do today. Your report?”

Lancelot looked back up at Merlin with a pout, sad that his fun had been ruined.

He looked back to Chloe and took her hand, pressing a kiss to it firmly before throwing his head back, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead.

“Adieu, my _love_. Until we meet again.”

Chloe grinned.

“You'm mental.” she appraised before heading back into her office, chuckling.

Merlin sighed and looked down at him.

“Get up.”

“You have no sense of humour, Merlin.” replied Lancelot grudgingly as he got to his feet.

“And you encourage her.” he hissed as they headed away from his desk. “She's bad enough without you adding fuel to the fire.”

“Still not getting on with your witch?” James asked, strolling after Merlin with his hands in his pockets.

“You could say that.” Merlin replied, keying in a few commands onto his clipboard.

“What is it about her that pisses you off so much?” he asked, ensuring he was out of earshot.

“Besides you comin' in and actin' _Romeo_ to her...her...”

James paused, pinning him with a raised eyebrow.

Merlin paused and pressed his hands to the biometric scanner before heading into the medical suite.

“She's beyond infuriating, and I'm startin' t'think less intelligent that she's presented.”

“Now steady on.” James began. “That's a little harsh, don't you think? Didn't she hack the GCHQ?”

Merlin paused, looking to him and then lowered his eyes.

“Report?” he asked, holding out his hand.

James unclipped his tie clip and slid the decorative plaque off of it before handing it to Merlin.

Merlin nodded in thanks and slid a concealed Micro SD from inside the plaque into his clipboard and handing the plaque décor back.

“...Thank you. You know the routine.”

“Yes. Behind the curtain. Fill the glass and report for my medical. I'm familiar.”

“And I will see you for debrief in 20 minutes.” Merlin completed heading towards his desk to transfer the data to his console.

He browsed over the report for a cursory glance, made a mental note to remind James that it was not optional to use spell check and once he'd proof read and corrected the majority of the errors, sent it to Arthur.

He then filed it away for later appraisal and waited for the results of Lancelot's--

“Awh bollocks.”

Merlin blinked once, and turned his head in the direction of the office Chloe was in.

He waited for an apology, or even an explanation for the unexpected outburst but none came.

He pushed away from his desk to see what she was doing and saw that she was trying to pat down her work desk with a tissue and that she'd flooded her work station with coffee.

It was in him to remind her that if she used a coaster, she'd be less inclined to spill her drinks, but took the higher route.

“...Problem?”

She looked back at him, whipping the leather on the back of her chair as she did with her plait.

“Saw a woodlouse, shit myself, sent my coffee flying.”

“A woodlouse.” he repeated.

“Fucking hate woodlice. Weird little bastards.”

“You know.” Merlin began, puffing out his chest slightly. “Ladies don't swear.”

Chloe paused in wiping drops of sticky, sweet coffee from her mouse-pad and looked to him stiffly.

“Sorry, _Charles_. Do you see a fucking lady in here?”

“...I beg your pardon?”

“Look mate. When I signed up for this role, you knew what you were getting. Don't expect me to change, yeah?”

Merlin was stupefied. Unable to string an adequate retort together.

“M'Names no' Charles.” he muttered, wheeling himself back to his desk.

“Xavier...” she replied, getting up and taking her cup and her wet tissue back to the kitchen area.

 

*

“Harry. I cannae stand her. Seriously, she gets on m'tits.”

The chuckle from the other end of the line set Merlin further on edge knowing that the man was clearly not taking him seriously. If he did, he would know that he was not bloody joking.

“Merlin, you seriously need to relax.” Harry sighed over the line. “If I can show Chester respect, you can show one 21 year old woman respect.”

“She swore today. Four times in the space of a minute.”

“And? I've witnessed Percival call a door a 'fuck nut' before now.”

“She's a woman!”

“Merlin, I don't know if you missed the memo, but it's 2007. Women are allowed to swear, vote and...are you ready? Drive.”

“Harry, you're missin' my point.”

“Merlin, do me a favour. Get yourself a drink, and calm down.”

Merlin got to his feet in his quarters and moved to unscrew the cap on the bottle of scotch he kept for a drink to unwind after a difficult day. He poured himself a double and sat down again, the phone pressed to his ear.

“She's not behaving as expected. She's a Kingsman agent and as such is expected to maintain certain...proprieties.”

“Such as, Merlin?”

Merlin opened his mouth to speak, and then realised that he had nobody to compare her with in his office.

He paused and breathed, giving himself a moment.

“...She swears like a sailor, drinks all manner of unholy energy drinks and fizzy pop. Eats ungodly amounts of sugar and fatty foods, mopes around lookin' like the ghost of Halloween past like a cross between Wednesday Addams and Robert Smith. Her hair, it's never SEEN a hairbrush and her accent...”

“Her accent?”

“...She doesnae so much speak English, she regurgitates it.”

“Look who's talking.”

Merlin felt a scarlet tinge sear his cheeks. He was acutely aware of his accent and did his best to rein it in, but on occasion, when tired, drunk or angry it would rear its head.

He knew Harry had mentioned it to prove a point.

“...All I'm saying is...” he began, ensuring he clipped his words and pronounced where necessary. “That if she tried to be a little more 'proper' she may find it less easy to irritate me.”

“Or, old friend. You could accept that times are changing and that in order for us to progress, we need to start looking outside of our usual ranks.”

“Harry...You know it's not that.” Merlin sighed, somewhat wounded that Harry thought it was that way. “...You know when you proposed Lee, that I was delighted. The look on Chester's face alone was worth it.”

“I know.”

“...I s'ppose. I just wanted someone...”

“Someone...?”

“...I dunno. More...proper.”

“She's skilled Merlin. And capable. And according to James, a laugh. Which is what I think you could do with, don't you?”

“Hmm.”

“Give her time. And even if you can't be friends, you can at least rub along together nicely.”

“Believe me, Harry. I don't want to rub anything with her.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to promise specific dates or upload schedules because I can't promise anything with my health the way it is atm. But I will try to do my best with this.


End file.
